Continuing from ‘How to Restore a Friendship’, Rick Warren teaches from his book ‘The Purpose Driven Life’, from a previous post: . . . .”In contrast, the Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence” 15. . . . Now continuing:) Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. Listening says: “I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me.” The cliché is true. People don’t care what we know until they know we care.
To restore fellowship “we must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others. . . . Let’s please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good.”16 It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it’s unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you: “Christ did not indulge his own feelings . . . as the scripture says: The insults of those who insult you fall on me.”17
Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes or sin. Jesus said it’s the way to see things more clearly: “First get rid of the log from your own eye, then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” 18
Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also God to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, “Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive?” The Bible says, “If we claim that we are free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves.”19
Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Often the way we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem itself. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other persons anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don’t make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
Attack the problem, not the person. You cannot fix the problem if you’re consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. The Bible says, “a gentle response diffuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles temper-fire.”20 You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is better than a sarcastic one.
In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say. It you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.“21 Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.
During the Cold War, both sides agreed that some weapons were so destructive they should never be used. Today chemical and biological weapons are banned, and stockpiles of nuclear weapons are being reduced and destroyed. For the sake of fellowship, you must destroy your arsenal of relational nuclear weapons, including condemning, belittling, comparing, labeling, insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Paul sums it up this way: “Do not use harmful words including condemning, labeling, insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Paul sums it up this way: “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” 22 ~ Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life —Grande Rapids, Michigan 49530, Zondervan 2002) p. 156-57 15. Proverbs 19:11 (NIV). 16. Romans 15:2 (LB). 17. Romans 15:3 (NIB). 18: Matthew 7:5 (NLT). 19.1 John 1:8 (Msg). 20. Proverbs 15:1 (Msg). 21. Proverbs 16.21(TEV) 22. Ephesians 4:29 (TEV) continued
