Much of the downside of not being fully heard, understood and received deeply is readily evident in modern culture. But what of the other side, the positive, beneficial, deeply healing experience in being loved in a way that includes being deeply heard, fully understood, and welcomed in all glorious differentness? In this selection, interfaith hospice chaplain Margaret Truxaw calls on her experience of being on both the giving and receiving ends of such life-affirming experience. Out of these direct encounters she offers us valuable insights that hold the potential to significantly transform not only our interpersonal relationships, but the relationships between families, communities, and nation-states as well.
May we all be free from suffering and the root of suffering.
May our practice of listening release the illusion of separation.
May it heal the listener, heal the one who is heard and bring healing forth in an ever-expanding circle that knows no boundaries.
May the word here manifest this shared intention.
WHAT IS SO SPECIAL about being heard? What happens to us when someone listens deeply to us? What does it take to be spiritually healed and psychologically transformed in the process? How does healing feel in the body, mind, and heart? Who can do it? Is it difficult? Is listening simply remaining silent? Are there any limits to the benefits being heard can provide? Does the listener get a turn? What if the listener has reactions? Is paraphrasing or mirroring important? What is the best way to handle judgments? In thinking about listening deeply, all these questions and many more may arise. In this essay, I want to explore the power of being heard, as I have encountered it in chaplaincy training. I see the healing power of being heard from three perspectives: from the perspective of the person who is heard, from the perspective of the listener, and also from the wider perspective in which we see that listening can affect a global transformation. It is my own experience that being heard nurtures, heals, and transforms. In an action oriented world where the focus is often on fixing problems, the transformational benefit of simply being heard may not seem sufficient, but very often it is.
Allowing Wholeness
Imagine you are walking along a creek with someone you love. The weather is mild, a gentle breeze is blowing. You can hear the soothing sound of the creek. You notice a bird in the reeds on the bank. The path is dappled with the shade of oak limbs and sycamore leaves.Your friend turns his/her attention to you and invites you to talk. Your friend’s eyes are soft as they rest upon you. You know your friend is interested and open to you. You begin awkwardly, tentatively speaking what’s on your mind. You fumble through the thoughts and feelings that arise. You are not judged and you release your own judgments. You are encouraged to continue. You believe in the sincerity of the listener’s attention. As the top layer of words and feelings find expression, another layer begins to emerge. It bubbles to the surface and breaks into the bright morning air. Then another layer of feeling bubbles up, painful at first, then freeing. You feel the breeze enter the open spaces of your body where tension has been released. A sigh of relief escapes and your muscles become noticeably more relaxed. Something has changed in you. A knotted place, where an old hurt has held you in check, melts into healing. A block to the flow of life energy releases. A long-dormant interior pathway gently opens.
Healing is a word that is often used synonymously with the word curing, but it can mean something more. Curing is associated with removing physical ailments. Without minimizing the value of curing a physical ailment, I contend that healing takes place at a more inclusive level. It is coming back into wholeness. Deep healing makes no distinction between body and soul. Healing can produce measurable clinical changes as part of a more integrated process. It often does. Healing, however, is not reserved for illness of the body. In fact it can take place in profound ways even while the physical body is dying. Our essential healing begins as and remains one of wholeness and oneness. Then, we incarnate into the illusion of separation. As we go along through life, insults and injuries can accumulate to deaden, or disconnect us from, parts of original wholeness. Unskillful or absent parents can play a part. Poverty or family crisis can leave scars. Threats to survival can upset the balance, as can experiences that are perceived as threats. Many forms of oppression, abandonment, or trauma cut off parts of our authentic whole selves from the optimal flow of our life energy, our wholeness. The deadened part of ourselves may fester and draw off energy we would otherwise use to love more fully. These deadened, blocked, hidden parts can be reclaimed when they are brought into consciousness and acknowledged with care.
The process of bringing conscious listening to the service to wholeness is central to the work of the hospital or hospice chaplain. Learning to listen effectively takes skill and self-awareness. “The Wisdom of Listening” ~ Margaret Truxaw (edited by Mark Brady), Wisdom Publications, (199 Elm Street, Somerville MA 02144 USA, www.wisdompubs.org ©by Mark Brady 2003) p.48-51
