From Rick Warren and his book ‘The Purpose Driven Life’:
As believers, God has “called us to settle our relationships with each other.” Here are seven biblical steps to restoring fellowship:
Talk to God before talking to the person. Discuss the problem with God. If you will pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you would just pray more about them.
As David did with his Psalms, use prayer to ventilate vertically. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to him. He’s never surprised or upset at your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel.
Most conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of those needs can only be met by God. When you expect anyone—a friend, spouse, boss, for family member—to meet a need that only God can fill, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and bitterness. No one can meet all of your needs except God.
The Apostle James noted that many of our conflicts are caused by prayerlessness: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?. . . . You want something but don’t get it. . . . You do not have, because you do not ask God.”9 Instead of looking to God, we look to others to make us happy, and then get angry when they fail us. God says,”Why don’t you come to me first?”
Always take the initiative. it doesn’t matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. Don’t wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even takes priority over group worship. He said, “If you enter you place of worship, and are about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.”10
When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Don’t procrastinate, make excuses, or promise “I’ll get around to it some day. Schedule a face to face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.
Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered,11 besides making us miserable. Job’s friends reminded him, “To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do” and “You are only hurting yourself with your anger.”12
The success of a peace conference often depends on choosing the right time and place to meet. Don’t meet when either of you are tired or rushed or will be interrupted. The best time is when you both are at your best.
Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to resolve any disagreement you must first listen to people’s feelings. Paul advised, “Look out for one another’s interests, not just your own.”13 . . . . Focus on their feelings, not the facts, begin with sympathy not solutions.
Don’t try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don’t agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. In fact resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, “When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal.”14 We all act beastly when hurt.
In contrast, the Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence. (continued)
9. James 4: 1-2 (NIV), 10.Matthew 5:23-24 (Msg). 11. 1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 28:9; 12. Job 5:2 (TEV);18:4 (TEV) 13. Philippians 2:4 (TEV) 14. Psalm 73:21-22 (TEV)