Brad Wilcox from his book ‘His Grace’ shared from Karen,
Karen wrote, “I picked up my startled baby and began comforting her; all the while I was mentally bawling myself out.” When the baby quieted, Karen started wondering why she was always so critical of herself: Why do I care so much about what that sister thinks anyway? Why, when something goes wrong, is my first response to get mad at myself? Good grief! Babies fall off benches. It happens. Get over it. Why do I get down on myself rather than just moving on?
“Then it hit me,” Karen wrote, “I realized that I don’t love myself—not really. My fault-finding and saying all is lost whenever I mess up is what was modeled for me by my parents when I was growing up. Don’t get me wrong. My parents are great and they are strong in the Church, but they rarely gave positive praise to my siblings and me. They rarely showed physical affection to their kids or to each other.
When Karen was in high school, she had been an outstanding athlete. However, she couldn’t remember her parents ever saying, “Good job.” Instead she remembered a lot of “constructive criticism” that was never constructive at all. Once when she was young she had a boyfriend, even though she knew it was against Church standards. Instead of being able to talk about the situation openly with her parents, they withheld their love and gave her the silent treatment.
This young mother could finally see how all the years of disapproval had led her to perfectionist tendencies. She said, “Nothing I do is ever good enough, and mistakes are devastating to me. As a child I felt I could never do enough to win my parents’ approval, and that has carried over to my adult years. Even when my husband tells me he loves me, I usually just stare at him in disbelief and say, ‘You do? Why? Are you sure?”
Karen’s aha moment was not that her parents were less than perfect. Everyone finally figures that out. The aha moment was that, almost subconsciously, she was letting the lack of trust she had in her parents translate to a lack of trust in God. Deep down, she figured that He, like her parents and the sister in her ward, was judging and criticizing. She didn’t pray about mistakes or problems, because she feared receiving the same silent treatment she got from her parents.
On that turning-point Sunday, the Spirit’s message was clear: “Relearn love. Relearn trust.” In the weeks and months that followed, Karen focused her study time (what little a mom of four has) on the Atonement. She read several books about it and looked up scriptures about God’s character and love. She also found a book about causes of anxiety, which helped her make sense of her past.
One day she read John 13:34: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you.” Karen said, “Those words really struck me. We are to love as He has loved us—not the way that parents may or may not have loved. I was to view myself as He views me.” ~Brad Wilcox, Changed through His Grace (Deseret Book, Salt Lake City, 2017), 198-200 Dwarsligger® edition . . . continued
