From Jeffrey R. and Patricia T. Holland (deceased), and their book “On Earth as it is in Heaven”
Every child has to practice on his mother and, in an important way, every mother has to practice on her child. That is God’s way for a parent and child to work out their Salvation. But it helps us always to remember that these are God’s children as well as our own, and that when we need help, we can reach through the veil to get it.
When our four-year-old was asked recently why her brother was crying, she looked at the baby, thought for a moment and then said, “Well if you had no hair, no teeth, and your legs were wobbly, you’d cry too.”
We come into the world crying — and a little bit wobbly. For parents to take a newborn infant, who is then only a bundle of potentialities, and love and guide and develop that child until a fully functioning human being emerges is the grandest miracle of science and the greatest of all arts.
When the Lord created parents, he created something breathtakingly close to what he is. We who have borne children innately know that this is the highest of all callings, the holiest of all assignments and that is why the slightest failure can cause us crippling despair. Even with our best intentions and our most heartfelt efforts, some of us find our children not turning out the way we’d like. They are sometimes very difficult to communicate with. They might be struggling in school or emotionally distressed or openly rebellious or painfully shy. There are lots of reasons why they may still be wobbling a bit.
And it seems that even if our children are not having problems, a nagging uneasiness keeps us wondering how we can keep them off such painful paths. At odd moments we find ourselves thinking, “Am I doing a good job? Are they going to make it? Should I spank them or should I reason with them?” Reality has a way of making the best of us feel shaky as parents.
I just read recently from my journal, written when I was a young and very anxious mother. . . . .”I continually pray that I will never do anything to injure my children emotionally. If I ever do cause them to hurt in any way, I pray they will know I did it unwittingly. I cry often inside for things I may have said and done thoughtlessly and I pray not to repeat these transgressions. I pray that I have not done anything to damage my dream of what I want these children to become. I hunger for help and guidance particularly when I feel that I have failed them.”
Reading that after all these years makes me feel our children are turning out surprisingly well for having such a basket case for mother. And I share it because what I want most of all to convey is that I am one with you—a parent, carrying a bundle of guilt for past mistakes, shaky confidence for the presence, and fear of future failure. Above all, I want every parent to have hope.
Inasmuch as almost none of us is a professional in child development, you can imagine why I was encouraged to hear from one who is. A faculty member of Brigham Young University said to me one day, “Pat, parenting has almost nothing to do with training. It has everything to do with your heart.” When I asked him to explain further, he said, “Often parents feel the reason they do not communicate with their children is that they are not skilled enough. Communication is not nearly so much a matter of skill as it is of attitude. When our attitude is one of brokenness and humility, of love and interest in our children’s welfare, then that cultivates communication. Our children recognize that effort on our part. On the other hand, when we are impatient, hostile, or resentful, it doesn’t matter what words we choose or how we camouflage our feelings. That attitude will be felt in their discerning hearts.
Jacob in the Book of Mormon said we must all come down in the depths of humility and consider ourselves fools before God if we would have him open the gate of heaven to us. (2 Nephi 9:42.) That humility, including our ability to admit our mistakes, seems to be fundamental both for receiving divine help and for earning our children’s respect. ~~~From Jeffrey R. Patricia T. Holland and their book “On Earth as it is in Heaven” (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989,
