From Dr. John L. and Bonnie Lund and their book “Take Your Love to Your Family and Your Frustrations to the Lord”
A common excuse for giving criticism is that the criticism is true. However there is a higher law that stated “that which doth not edify is not of God and is darkness: (Doctrine & Covenants 50:23). The natural man saves lives by the law that says, “I have a mouth and I have a thought and I’m going to say whatever I want to say whenever I want to say it.” Critics are certain to do so because they have their agency. However, with freedom of speech comes the responsibility to accept the consequences of a glib tongue. King Benjamin warned, “But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves and your thoughts and your words . . . ye must perish. And now, O man, remember and perish not? (Mosiah 4:30).
There is a cautionary saying in the Navy: “Loose tongues sink ships,” You might also say, “Loose lips sink ‘relation-ships.'” Among the consequences of an unbridled tongue are divorce, alienation, rejection, and avoidance of the critic by others.
It is possible to be right about your criticism and wrong in your saying it. A wise man once observed that it takes two inspirations to share a criticism. First, one must be inspired that the criticism is true and in the best interest of the one to receive the criticism to hear it at this time. The second inspiration that the giver of criticism is calm and able to convey the critical message in a way that focuses on the behavior while reconfirming the worth of the individual who is being criticized.
There is another consideration. All relationships fall into one of three categories. An individual is either in a parent role, such as a parent, boss, or Church leader; a co-equal role, such as spouse, sibling, neighbor or Church leader; or in the role of being supervised, such as a child or employee. Language needs to be appropriate to the stewardship. Does the critic have the stewardship and responsibility and therefore the authority to criticize another?
The words that are used should also be appropriate to the stewardship. Should, need, and ought are words that belong to one who has a stewardship over another but not appropriate for a spouse, because marriage is a relationship of equals. A child should not tell a parent what the parent should, need, or ought to do. Even when a parent, a boss or a leader in the Church justifiably uses the words should, need, or ought, the guidelines for criticism remain the same. The person must feel inspired by the Holy Ghost and deliver the critical message in a way that does not offend the Holy Ghost.
Permission to Criticize an Equal
It is inappropriate to criticize an equal like a spouse, a co-worker or a neighbor without their permission. Like it or not such a person is on an “equal” status with you. Even if you possess superior knowledge, your unbridled tongue announces that you are a law unto yourself, devoid of common courtesy and respect. A mouth and a thought do not give you permission. How would you respond to a neighbor or coworker who came to you and told you what you could, need, or ought to do? Uninvited criticism is generally responded with contention or silent rage. Rare is the person who responds to uninvited criticism with the words, “Thank you for sharing your criticism with me, I’m sure I’ll be a better person for it.”
Asking for permission to criticize might sound something like this: “I have a suggestion that I would like to share. Would this be a good time to do it?
Uninspired and improperly given criticism creates contention, and the devil is the father of contention. Contention is *antithetical* to the gospel teachings of Jesus and is another tool of the devil to create havoc in a relationship: . . . . “And there shall be no disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been. “For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another (3 Nephi 11:28-29).
This doesn’t mean that people can’t disagree or hold opposing opinions. It is how these opinions are expressed that creates contention. When contention is present, the Holy Ghost quietly drifts away, leaving the combatants to revel in their self-imposed misery. The scriptures warn, “beware lest there shall arise among you, and ye list to obey the evil spirit” (Mosiah 2:32). Contention is often the result of poorly given criticism and is a root cause of the distraction of marriages, families, and nations. Regarding the distraction of the Nephites, Mormon noted, “for it has been their quarreling and their contentions . . . which brought upon them their destructions” (Alma 50:21).
The early Latter-day Saints were advised to “cease to find fault one with another (Doctrine & Covenants 88:124). The failure of some to follow this counsel resulted in apostasy and contention and many left the Church. You must handle criticism as you would a deadly herbicide—in your attempt to destroy a weed, you must be careful not to destroy the entire lawn.
After Bill’s parents were convinced that criticism poorly given had alienated their son, I shared with them the hope in Christ that their wayward son could, like the prodigal son in the Lord’s parable, return home again (see Luke 15:11-32).
~~~Doctor John Lund and Bonnie Lund and their book “Take Your love to Your Family and Your Frustrations to the Lord”: (American Fork, Utah, 2020) p. 14-16 . . . . (Continued with ‘You Parents of the Willful and the wayward. . . “)
l*antithetical* . . . directly opposed or contrasted; mutually incompatible.
