Continuing from (link) Dr. John L. & Bonnie Lund;
Love and convincing the one being criticized that your acceptance is “stronger than the cords of death” (Doctrine & Covenants 121:44) will always be accomplished by showing forth an increase if love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy” (Doctrine & Covenants 121:43).
Bill was convinced that his father was his enemy. The fault-finding father felt justified in being critical because he loved his son and felt frustrated by his son’s poor choices and lack of responsibility. The father’s evaluation of his son was correct. Bill was irresponsible. The father’s intentions were good. How many times have you read the saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions?” The blind spot for the father was his delivery system. The pattern the father had established with his son was criticizing, often in anger, and then apologizing afterward for being angry but justifying the criticism. All that Bill heard was the message that he was unacceptable to his father.
Unintentionally, the father had created the perfect scenario for his son to seek acceptance from his dysfunctional friends. Bill’s friends offered him unconditional acceptance. The problem was that Bill’s friends accepted everything, including drugs, promiscuity, and breaking the laws of the land.
John met with Bill while serving as a Church Educational System instructor at the Utah State Prison. Bill was in a twelve step program to overcome addiction. It wasn’t serendipity; it was divine intervention that gave John the opportunity to meet with Bill’s parents as a result of speaking at a stake fireside in the Salt Lake area. The parents wanted to know what they could do to help their son in prison. They had been fervently seeking help. Time had softened the heart of the father, but at that time Bill refused to have his parents visit him. John had the opportunity to visit Bill’s parents on several occasions. He asked, “Are you willing to do what the Lord would have you do to help your son?” They responded with a sincere yes. When the time was right, John was able to share the following advice: “Don’t give one more word of criticism to your son: don’t even offer a suggestion as to how he may improve his life. Let go of trying to change him. Turn him over to the Lord 100 percent. take your love to Bill and take your frustrations about Bill to the Lord in mighty prayer. Take to the Lord in prayer every concern, every feeling of disappointment, and every hope you have for Bill. If the Lord opens up the prison doors and you are able to visit with your son, here is what I want you to say to him: “Bill, I have been far too critical of you in my life, and I ask you to forgive me. In fact, I will not share my advice or opinion unless you ask for it. I love you son; will you forgive me? You don’t have to respond now.”
John shared with Bill’s parents that when asking for forgiveness it is important not to attempt to explain why you were critical. Explanations come across as justification and cloud the original issue of asking for forgiveness.
Why should Bill’s parents have to apologize and ask for forgiveness? Reconciliation requires that each party in a relationship accept responsibility for his or her behaviors. The father’s constant uninspired and inappropriate criticism was something the father had to own. Bill was responsible for his poor choices, regardless of having a critical and toxic father.
In the early days of he Church, debt was a major concern. The Prophet Joseph pleaded with the Lord and asked Him what the Church should do about its debts. The Lord’s answer was very instructive: And again, verily I say unto you, concerning your debts—behold it is my will that ye shall pay all your debts. And it is my will that ye shall humble yourselves before me, and obtain this blessing by your diligence and humility and the prayer of faith. And inasmuch as you are diligent and humble and exercise the prayer of faith, behold, I will soften the hearts of those to whom you are in debt, until I shall send means unto you for your deliverance. . . . And inasmuch as ye are humble and faithful and call upon my name, behold, I will give you the victory. I give unto you a promise, that you shall be delivered this once out of your bondage. (Doctrine and Covenants 104:78-80, 82-83)
The Prophet Joseph and others thought that the problem was a lack of money. The Lord informed that the real problem was the lack of humility, diligence, and the prayer of faith. The Lord promised that according to their humility, diligence, and faith he would divinely intervene and soften the hearts of the creditors. Softening the hearts is only one of several options available to the Lord in solving a problem when we invite Him by prayer. In the Book of Mormon, Amulek underscored the importance of humility, diligence, and the prayer of faith: Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye may begin to call on his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you: Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save. Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him. Cry unto him when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks. Cry unto him in your houses, over all your household, both morning, midday and evening. Yea, cry unto him against the power of your enemies. Yea, cry unto him against the power of the devil, who is an enemy to all righteousness. Cry unto him over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them. Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase.
But this not all; you must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness. Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those around you. (Alma 34:17-27)
We could add to this scripture, “Cry unto him for Bill.” The parents’ humility, prayers, and diligence would then invite the Lord to divinely intervene in Bill’s life. John asked Bill’s parents, “If you knew that Bill would be spiritually well and that Bill’s soul would be secure in eternity, would you be willing to cease all criticism and show your acceptance of Bill—not his behavior, but Bill as your son? When appropriate, would you show Bill sincere and heart felt affection and appreciation. Would you be willing to stop all faultfinding and negative comments to, or about Bill?”
As part of John’s counseling with them, he told them they were not to make any disparaging remarks about Bill to friends or family. They also needed to stop being critical about Bill’s friends. If they wanted the Lord’s help, they needed to stop being critical. Their job description was simple: Stop all uninspired criticism and love Bill, yet remain persistent in humility, diligence, and the prayer of faith.
Vitally important in this process was their willingness to take their frustrations about Bill to the Lord. They needed to be willing to invite the Lord to divinely intervene in the life of their son. Humility, prayer and diligence would qualify them before the Lord and bind the Lord with a promise to divinely intervene in Bill’s life. If they wanted this whole thing to work, they would need to cease being critical and exercise patience and trust in the Lord. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “Patient endurance permits us to cling to our faith in the Lord and our faith in His timing.”1
The Lord will intervene in His own time and in His own way, and according to His own will (See Doctrine & Covenants 88:68). The Lord’s plan of redemption extends beyond this mortal life. Paul reminded the Corinthians that “If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable” (1 Corinthians 15;19). The Lord’s time includes this life, the spirit world, and the Millennium.
Joseph Smith passionately taught, “It is not all to be comprehended in this world; it will be a great work to learn our salvation and exaltation even beyond the grave.”2
This is true for you and for Bill. Be patient and try the Lord’s plan. His plan works. Uninspired and improperly given criticism doesn’t work. It does not change behavior. Charity involves patience and, at some point, long-suffering. You do not have the power to change the heart of your loved one except through prayer and love. God does change his children’s minds and hearts consistent with agency, love, and consequences which are three governing principles of the universe.~~~ Dr. John L. & Bonnie Lund, Take Your Love to Your Family and Your Frustrations to the Lord (American Fork, Utah, Covenant Communications, Inc. Copyright © 2020 by John and Bonnie Lund. p.7-10
