From the book “Wild at Heart” John Eldridge writes:
A few years ago now my middle son, Blaine, made the big transition into first grade. That’s a huge step for any child—leaving the comfort and safety of Mom’s side, spending all day at school, being among the “big kids.” But Blaine’s a very outgoing and winsome boy, a born leader, and we knew he’d handle it swimmingly. Every night at the dinner table he regaled us with tales of the day’s adventures. It was fun to recall with him the joys of those early school days—a shiny new lunchbox, brand new No.2 pencils, a box of Crayolas with a build-in sharpener, a new desk and new friends. We heard all about his new teacher, gym class, what they played at recess and how he was emerging as a leader in all the games. But then one night he was silent. “What’s wrong, Tiger?” I asked. He wouldn’t say, wouldn’t even look up. “What happened?” He didn’t want to talk about it. Finally the story came out—a bully. Some first grade poser had pushed him down on the playground in front of all his friends. Tears were streaming down his face as he told us his story.
“Blaine, look at me.” He raised his tearful eyes slowly, reluctantly. There was shame written all over his face.” I want you to listen very closely to what I am about to say. The next time a bully pushes you down, here is what I want you to do—are you listening Blaine?” He nodded, his big wet eyes fixed on mine.” I want you to get up . . . and I want you to hit him . . . as hard as you possibly can.” A look of embarrassed delight came over Blaine’s face. Then he smiled.
Good Lord—why did I give him such advice? And why was he delighted with it? Why are some of you delighted with it, while others are appalled?
Yes, I know that Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. But we really have misused that verse. You cannot teach a boy to use his strength, by stripping him of it. Jesus was able to retaliate, believe me. But he chose not to. And yet we suggest that a boy who is mocked, shamed before his fellows, stripped of all power and dignity should stay in that beaten place because Jesus wants him there? You will emasculate him for life. From that point on all will be passive and fearful. He will grow up never knowing how to stand his ground, never knowing if he is a man indeed. Oh yes, he will be courteous, sweet even, determined, minding all his manners. It may look moral, it may look like turning the other cheek, but it is merely weakness. Our churches are full of such men.
At that moment, Blaine’s soul was hanging in the balance. Then the fire came back into his eyes and the shame disappeared. But for many, many men their souls still hang in the balance because no one, no one has ever invited them to be dangerous; to know their own strength, to discover they have what it takes. “I feel there is this stormy ocean before me, and I keep trying to make those waters calm and placid,” confessed a young friend in his twenties. “I would love to be dangerous,” he said, sighing. “You mean . . . it’s possible? I feel like I have to ask permission to be a man? Because the assault continues after the permission has been given. I don’t mean to create a wrong impression—a man is not wounded once, but many, many times in the course of his life. Nearly every blow ends up falling in the same place: against his strength. Life takes it away, one vertebra at a time, until in the end he has no spine at all.
I read a case a few years ago about a baby boy who suffered a terrible blow during surgery: his penis was “accidentally removed.” The event took place back in the 70’s, and a decision was made that reflected the widely held belief that “sex roles” are not truly a part of our design but merely shaped by culture and therefore interchangeable. His genitalia were reconstructed in female form and he was raised as a girl. The story is a parable of our times. It is exactly what we have tried to do to boys, starting from when they are very young. As Christina Hoff Sommers says in her book The War Against Boys, “It’s a bad time to be a boy in America.” Our culture has turned against the masculine essence, aiming to cut it off early. As one example she points out the way in which shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, are being used against boys in general.
Most of you will remember the tragic story from April 1999. Two boys walked into the school library and began shooting; When it was all over, thirteen victims and two assailants were dead. Sommers is all alarmed about the remarks of William Pollack, director of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital and so am I. Here is what he said: “The boys in Littleton are the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg is all boys.” The idea, widely held in our culture, is that the aggressive nature of boys is inherently bad and we have to make them into something more like girls.The primary tool for that operation is the public school system. The average school teacher faces an incredible challenge: to bring order into a room of boys and girls and promote learning. The main obstacle to that noble goal is getting boys to sit still, keep quiet, and pay attention for an entire day. You might as well hold back the tide. That’s not how a boy is wired, and it’s not the way a boy learns. Rather than changing the way we do male education, we try to change males.
Al Lionel Tiger reports in his book The Decline of Males, boys are three to four times more likely to be diagnosed suffering from attention deficit disorder (ADD). But maybe they’re not sick, as Tiger says, “This may simply mean they enjoy large masculine movements and assertive actions . . . Boys as a group appear to prefer relatively boisterous and mobile activities to the sedate and physically restrictive behavior that school systems reward and to which girls seem to be more inclined.”
Tell me about it. This guy ought to come over to our house for dinner. With three boys at the table (one man, but with a boyish heart), things get pretty wild at times. Chairs, for the most part, are an option. The boys use them more like gymnastic equipment than restraints. Just the other night, I look over to see Blaine balancing across his chair on his stomach, like an acrobat. At the same moment Luke, our youngest, is nowhere to be seen. Or rather in the place at the table where his head should be, we can only see a pair of socks, pointing strait up. My wife rolls her eyes. But not our school systems. As Tiger says: “At least three or four times as many boys as girls are essentially defined as ill because their preferred patterns of play don’t fit easily into the structure of school. Well-meaning psycho-managers then prescribe tranquilizing drugs for ADD, such as Ritalin . . . The situation is scandalous. The use of drugs so disproportionately betrays the failure of school authorities to understand sex differences. . . . The only disease these boys may have is being male. ~~John Eldredge, Wild at Heart (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 2001) p.78-81 (continued. . .) Quotes with a preamble asterisk are of general interest. . . . not specific to teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (continued, see The Battle of a Man’s Heart II)
