From the book “What’s a Parent to Do?” by Glen I. Latham:
During one of the darkest moments of Nephite history, when the wicked had vowed to slay the righteous if the sign of Christ’s birth did not “come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet” (3 Nephi 1:9), a sorrowing Nephi cried mightily unto the Lord all that day” (3 Nephi 1:12). Then “the voice of the Lord came unto him, saying: Lift up your head and be of Good cheer” (3 Nephi 1:12-13). What great advice for sorrowing parents. Even in your darkest moments, “Lift up your voice and be of good cheer!”
When children misbehave, go astray, deny the teachings of their parents, seek their own counsels in darkness, turn their backs on the commandments of God, and invite turmoil into their lives and the lives of their family, it is no wonder parents despair, suffer much grief and even become ill. In studying the behavior of grieving parents, I have observed a number of common physical responses provoked by wayward children. The following is a description typical of grieving parents:
- Their head and shoulders droop.
- They seldom smile or laugh and their countenance falls.
- They lose the spring in their step and tend to shuffle a lot.
- The lilt in their voice is replaced by a monotone.
- There is little physical or verbal animation. Rather than expressively gesturing with their hands, they let them hand limp at their side or in their laps: rather than punctuating speech with colorful anecdotes and creative turns of phrase, they say as little as possible, while using dull, unimaginative language.
- They tend to fear the worst, often hardly able to imagine things ever being better. Affection for the child is tempered with a sense of resignation: “He is basically a good boy and we love him, but. . .
It is no wonder to me that repeatedly in times of despair and crisis, the Savior told the distressed, “be of good cheer.” Today is not forever.
I was delighted with a comment made by President Hinckley during the Sunday morning address in the October 1995 general conference of the Church. After telling of the impending dangers, miseries and even death to be experienced by early English converts in search of the dream of Zion,” President Hinckley summed up by saying “Their optimism rose above their fears” (Ensign,, November 1995, 72). I believe that is the message of Christ to despairing parents. By keeping a keen eye open for reasons to feel guilty, they almost never come up disappointed. It is as though they have a need to suffer guilt and shame for their children’s wrongdoings. Such self-imposed burdens are absolutely purposeless. They not only do no good, but they can do considerable harm by welling up in parents unreasonable feelings of failure and inadequacy, which further impair their effectiveness and may convince children that they are indeed bad children. Neither circumstance is either purposeful or constructive.
The fact is that even the most admirable children will sometimes make poor decisions, which put their lives at odds with the strict standards of the Church. For some Latter-day Saint parents, getting good grades, being a student leader, going to college, being a responsible citizen, and so on, though laudable, tend not to be sufficient accomplishments and are accompanied by a set of parallel behaviors, which demonstrate the child is spiritually as well as socially responsible: graduating from seminary/institute, serving an honorable mission, being married in the temple, assuming an active role in the Church, paying tithing, living the Word of Wisdom, and being totally clean, to name just a few.
As important as these are in shaping spiritual character, the violation of any or all of them by children who have been taught otherwise is not sufficient justification for parents to either feel guilty, responsible, or inadequate. In fact, such feelings with their outpourings of agony often communicate to children that their behavior is beyond hope, They are given the impression that if they are not 100 percent spiritually and religiously responsible, they have come up short if not missed the mark entirely—they are “unclean”. Such a perception of self can and often does drive children further from family ties, religious affiliation and participation, and frequently from being socially responsible, decent people as well.
Surely, that our children might attain a state of righteousness is our greatest hope as parents. It is the only sure road to happiness (see 2 Nephi 2:13). But as well as being concerned for their righteousness, we should not be blind to their acts of decency, I know many, many young people who are members of the Church but who are not “righteous” in the classic, religious sense, i.e., they are not 100 percent “active.” But they are wonderfully decent people with many praiseworthy qualities. They are not devout in the sense that they attend their meetings faithfully, pay an honest tithe, or live the Word of Wisdom, but they are kind, honest, hardworking, concerned for others, and unselfish. Unfortunately, many of their parents tend to discount and even trivialize decency because the child isn’t “active” in the Church.
Conversely, I know young people in the Church who are 100 per-centers in an “activity” sense but whose daily behavior is woefully lacking when it comes to matters of decency, that is their conformance to standards of propriety, good taste, or morality. They use profanity without hesitation, they “bad Mouth” others, they cheat on their exams at school, they are morally loose and coarse, and they fail to honor womanhood. But their parents are content because they are at church every Sunday; they are “active.”
In the process of encouraging and recognizing righteousness, we must not forget decency. Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s restaurants speaks passionately about the need for “honesty, integrity, and hard work within the laws of God and man, “accompanied by a burning desire to be nice” (Dave Thomas, April 4, 1996, “Doing the Right thing,” an address given at Utah State University. . . ). As parents , we must recognize and acknowledge these behaviors in our children, whether they are active in the Church or not, for as righteousness is important, so also is decency.
What every parent must also realize is that today is not forever. Children move in and out of activity in the Church. Their levels of devotion and commitment ebb and flow. The key to surviving these undulations is to love our children no matter how they behave, That’s how Christ does it, and we are reminded by Jacob: “And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other” (Jacob 2:21). ~Glen I. Latham, What’s a Parent to Do? Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1997) 46-49
From Kent. . . . I was reminded in my own life (as often happens with these posts, not family but me) of the anomalies I have to work on, which are many!
