Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles is quoted in the book ‘The Power of Stillness,: “As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there.” 2 . . .But even when family members are in the same house, of course, there’s no longer any guarantee they are occupying the same mental or emotional space.
Not Quite There
Ever notice how fascinated children can be with devices—keyboards, phones, touch screens, and the like? Most parents assume that this is because, well, the device is cool—“Hey, even this one year old wants to play with it!”
Not so fast. There might be an explanation not so easy on the ears.
(One of the four authors of the book quoted:) Jacob shared that “his two-year-old recently ran up to him repeatedly, wanting to play, fresh from a bath in his green and red Christmas pajamas. But as Jacob confesses, I was focused on the screen, trying to beat a deadline as I knelt—literally kneeling(!)—before our desktop computer.
From moments like this, we’ve started to realize why so many kids seem fascinated with our screens and devices. Children reach for these devices because they see us giving such undivided attention to them—the same attention they are craving and wanting. When they reach for what we love—what are we giving our attention toward—they’re reaching for us!
This is not about ragging on busy parents so much as about recognizing a pattern we all fall into. Researchers on the East Coast of the United States observed fifty-five caregivers eating with one or more children in fast food restaurants. Forty of the adults were absorbed with their phones in varying degrees, some almost entirely ignoring the children. When children predictably tried to catch their parents attention, they were frequently ignored.3 One person recounts:
"The other day I was at a pizza place and the dad in a suit was taking his daughter to order pizza. While they waited the girl kept chatting delightedly at her father. He completely ignored her and tapped at his phone in a worried way. Finally, she said, "Daddy! will you please put that thing away for once!" He ignored her still. Finally, she gave up and hummed to herself."
This person added, “I wanted to say to him that in five years she won’t be begging him to talk with her. Another commented, Raya Potter, says it’s time to talk about what it looks like to see a child’s face . . . when Mom is completely engrossed in Facebook—i.e. obsessively and maddening finger scrolling—as the child exits school doors, looking for Mom to be excited to see them, but no dice. Or, when I take my kids to eat doughnuts even my nine year old observed to me, ‘Mommy that’s kind of sad that little boy is just eating his doughnut staring at the window.’ Well, yea, Dad is on his phone . . . chuckling to [himself as he scrolls].”
She adds, “Maybe some of this would stop if someone made a video of stills of these kids faces. It’s utterly heartbreaking,”4
This is about more than just emotional disappointment, however. Jack P. Shonkoff, a researcher at Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child, writes about how relational a child’s verbal development is and how much children rely on rhythmic interaction (what some have called “conversational duet”) 5 to build the early architecture of their brains.
Although surfing social media and checking emails with an infant seems harmless enough, there are studies that show children who are spoken to frequently before the age of two develop a vocabulary twice as large as those with less interaction. So, let’s be honest, parents—don’t we all struggle with this? If so, what to do? . . . ~Jacob Z. Hess, Carrie L. Skarda, Kyle C. Anderson, Ty R. Mansfield, The Power of Stillness (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2019) 123-24
References:
2. Richard G. Scott, “For Peace at Home,” Ensign, May 2013.
3. Erika Christakis, “The Dangers of Distracted Parenting,” The Atlantic, July/August 2018: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/07/the-dangers-of-distracted-parenting/561752/. (an active link)
4. Raya, April 28, 2015, and dcl, June 9,2014, comment on Catherine Newman. ‘Give KidsYour Undevided Attention—or No Attention at All.’New York Times’ June 6, 2014; https://parenting.blog.nytimes.com/2014/06/06/give-kids-your-undivided-attention-or-no-attention-at-all/
5. Kathy HIrsh-Pasek, Rebecca M. Alper, and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, “Living in Pasteur’s Quadrant: How Conversational Duets Spark Language at Home and in the Community,” Discourse Processes, 55, no, 4 (2018, 338-45).
