By Marissa Widdison, Church Magazines
(some numbered references have links at the end of this post below.)
Hope and help are available in every desert of despair.
If you had to describe how “hope” feels to you, what would you say? Is it warm like sunshine? Does it bubble with excitement? Maybe it feels like a safety net underneath you if something goes wrong.
Have you ever felt opposite feelings—those of hopelessness? If so, you are not alone. Even prophets have struggled with feelings like those. For example, the scriptures describe the prophet Elijah fleeing for his life. Running into the desert, he took shelter under a juniper tree and begged the Lord to let him die.
“It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life,” Elijah prayed.
But the Lord had other plans for Elijah. When the prophet fell asleep, an angel visited him, telling him to “arise and eat.” Elijah woke up and found a loaf of bread and a jar of water nearby. After eating and drinking, he fell back asleep, only to have the angel wake him again.
“Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee,” the angel said.
After eating and drinking again, Elijah received the strength he needed for the next part of his journey. (See 1 Kings 19:1–8.)
Like Elijah, each of us travels through a personal desert of despair at times. For some, that desert may seem never-ending. When we feel hopeless, we can cry out to God. He hears us. He wants us to continue our mortal journey. His help can take many different forms, including friends, family members, professional and medical resources, gospel realizations, and other resources as varied as are our experiences and needs. As we use this help, we invite strength, hope, and purpose into our lives.
If you, or someone you love, is struggling to feel hope, here is a collection of ideas and information that may help. Because each situation is different and these are only general ideas, be sure to use those that seem most helpful to you. And if the hopeless feelings continue for months or become intense, please reach out to trusted family members, friends, professional counselors, or others you feel can help. You are not alone!
Replace Twisted Thinking with Truth
Sometimes feelings of hopelessness come when, instead of seeing things clearly, our view of life becomes temporarily twisted. This distorted thinking can happen when disappointing and unexpected things occur—like a rejection, betrayal, trauma, or loss—and we can’t make sense of those events. Smaller daily triggers that accumulate over time can also open the floodgates to negative thinking. Psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman wrote about three common thought distortions: 1 below
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Permanence. Things will never change or get better.
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Pervasiveness. Because something negative happened in one area of life, my entire life is a failure.
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Personalization. Everything is my fault, whether or not it was truly in my control.2 below
Do any of these sound familiar? The next time you notice a twisted thought, try to replace it with one that is more accurate. It might even be helpful to write down the distorted thought, cross it out, and write the more accurate thought instead. For example:
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“I’m so lonely tonight. I’m doomed to be lonely forever.” -
“Even though I feel lonely now, I can’t see the future. Tomorrow is another chance to meet new people.”
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“I got another bad review at work, and that proves I can’t do anything right.” -
“Work doesn’t define my whole life. I have other relationships and talents.”
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“The abuse was my fault. I should’ve done more to protect myself.” -
“The abuse was not my fault. I was an innocent victim.”
Dr. Seligman also recommended doing something that might seem difficult when we are feeling down in the dumps: try to recognize our “signature strengths.”3 Perhaps reading the list of spiritual gifts in Moroni 10:8–18 will help you identify some of the strengths that are an important part of your character. The scriptures say that every single person is blessed with at least one gift of the Spirit (see Doctrine and Covenants 46:11), and we shouldn’t let the adversary tell us otherwise!
Finally, another suggestion from Dr. Seligman might sound familiar. He recommended that we name what we are grateful for.4 Counting our blessings isn’t just the title of a hymn—it’s an action that can help replace bitterness with hope.5 It can remind us that our loving Heavenly Father is eager to bless us in ways both seen and unseen.
Find Safe Ways to Cope
What else can we do when hopeless feelings hit hard? Try to remember what activities have helped you feel better in the past. Sometimes, focusing outward helps—research has shown that compassionately helping others may be a powerful tool for feeling less anxious and depressed.6 Other times, we may benefit from taking a walk or getting extra sleep. One young man immersed himself in listening to and playing music. A woman found that going to the movies helped interrupt the cycle of negative thinking, giving her a much-needed rest.
Husband-and-wife scholars Dr. Steven Wolin and Dr. Sybil Wolin identified traits that help people be resilient during challenges. Two of those were humor and creativity7—activities that Church leaders have spoken about. For example, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (1917–2008) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life.”8 And Elder Richard G. Scott (1928–2015) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once wrote: “Attempt to be creative, even if the results are modest. … Creativity can engender a spirit of gratitude for life.”9
Try a variety of ideas, and don’t be surprised if they are uncomfortable at first; sometimes trying to access coping skills is most difficult right when we need them the most. When you find something that you are able to do that provides relief, start making a list of those things. Then, when hopeless feelings come, pull out the list and go through each suggestion. If after trying everything you still feel hopeless, it may be a good time to reach out to a professional for help.10
Show Compassion to Yourself. . .
For the complete article, including remarks by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, click. . .‘The Bread and Water of Hope’. For Elder Holland’s article, click. . .“Like a Broken Vessel.”
References
- Martin E. P. Seligman, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life (2006), 44–51.
- There are other cognitive distortions people commonly grapple with, such as “catastrophizing,” or consistently believing that the worst is going to happen. Learning more about cognitive distortions may help you identify and replace them in your own thinking.
- See Martin E. P. Seligman, Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment (2002), 134–61
- See Seligman, Authentic Happiness, 70–75.
- See “Count Your Blessings,” Hymns, no. 241.
- See Thane M. Erickson and others, “Compassionate and Self-Image Goals as Interpersonal Maintenance Factors in Clinical Depression and Anxiety,” Journal of Clinical Psychology, vol. 74, no. 4 (Apr. 2018), 608–25.
- See Steven J. Wolin and Sybil Wolin, The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity (1993).
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Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov. 2008, 27.
- Richard G. Scott, Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy (2007), 162–63.
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This process of identifying coping skills to use during a crisis is sometimes referred to as creating a safety plan. For a more complete outline of a suicide-prevention safety plan, see page 63 of the Sept. 2016 Ensign. How to Create a Suicide-Prevention Safety Plan, September 2016
