Joy D, Jones, Primary General President for the October 2019 Ensign wrote:
“I am painfully aware of the influence of pornography upon even the youngest in our society—our children. A plague of epic proportions, pornography can cause shame, deceit, distorted feelings, loss of self-control, overwhelming addiction, and total consumption of time, thought, and energy. There is great need for all of us—parents, families, teachers, leaders—to really see, value, and protect our children and youth.
Love is among the greatest of God’s gifts. Loving God and loving one’s neighbor are the two greatest commandments given to us from Jesus Christ Himself. Love, I believe, is also our greatest weapon in fighting against pornography.
Indeed, as the popular catchphrase says, “porn kills love,” but let’s also remember that love kills porn. That doesn’t mean that our love for someone else can change their addiction or even their behavior. But love can motivate us—how we prepare, how we respond, how we listen—particularly with our children. If we are going to have any hope of eradicating this plague from the world, love must be both at the forefront and the foundation of all our efforts.
I wish to suggest three applications of love that I hope we will focus on, embrace, and enact. These three applications are tied to three phases of encounters with pornography our children may face.
First, we say “I love you” by truly protecting them. Second, we say “I still love you” by the way we respond to their exposure to pornography, whether intentional or not. And third, we say “I will always love you” by providing loving support for them as they work on healing if they’ve experienced compulsive use or addiction. In each phase, love is the key.
1. Protection: “I Love You”
Picture in your mind a child you love. When you tell this child, “I love you,” what does it mean? At its core, it means that we provide protection so that we can help those we love to become their best selves and face life’s challenges. Part of protection is creating strong, trusting, consistent relationships. These types of relationships help to draw our children close. As we build strong relationships of trust and protect our children and grandchildren—or any child—we give them a safe place to turn. This protection helps them understand who they are and helps them comprehend their relationship with God. Feeling valued and loved helps children envision and rely upon a caring Heavenly Father who gives instructions for their happiness.
I am concerned that many parents may not yet realize how dangerous pornography really is or may think it’s only a problem for the boy next door. The reality is that this problem is affecting our boys and our girls, and we’re not talking about it enough. . . .
2. Response: “I Still Love You”
Creating welcoming, open, inviting conversations that encourage children to share their thoughts, experiences, and questions with their parents is not easy. We can invite children of all ages to come forward if or when they develop any level of pornography problem—from early, inadvertent exposures to occasional use, to intensive use, and on down to compulsive use. Earlier discussions are better, and children will come forward more readily when they know they are loved and nothing they say or do can change that love.
Very rarely, however, does a child come forward voluntarily. It usually happens when an observant parent prompts a child with, “Is something wrong?” or “You don’t seem quite yourself.” The more love the child feels, the easier it is for him or her to open up.
This assurance of love is established in their minds from small experiences that take place over and over. Minor troubles talked about in a loving way create a foundation of a healthy response so that when big troubles come, communication is still open. Most importantly, children know that your response will be, “I still love you. I don’t stop loving you because something happened. I always love you.”. . .
3. Healing: “I Will Always Love You”
When children are exposed to pornography and entrapped by it, they struggle to react, to recover, and to heal. Sincere, earnest, constant, firm, and patient support is needed as children assume responsibility for their own recovery and make their way forward. No one can provide this kind of support like a parent can. After we have carefully and personally taught the truth, after we have gently built trust and encouraged conversations, then children need to know that despite their mistakes and choices, our assurance will be, “I will always love you no matter what.”
I recall a simple incident that occurred in our family years ago. My husband and I were away from home, and our oldest son was babysitting the other children. We received a call from a concerned neighbor alerting us that a fire truck was at our house. We raced home and found that our 10-year-old son had been playing in the backyard next to a six-acre field of tall, dry grass. He was trying to see if he could start a fire with sparks.
Obviously, he did! By the time we arrived, the small fire had been extinguished by the fire department, the firemen had lectured our son, and the neighbors were beginning to disperse. Our son was embarrassed, frightened, tearful, and knew he was surely in trouble.
We all went into the house. Our son was so afraid that, even though the situation was serious, all we could do was wrap our arms around this sweet boy and reassure him of our love and our relief that he wasn’t hurt.
When children are exposed to pornography and especially when they get caught in its web, they will be embarrassed, frightened, and tearful too. It’s difficult to take something that has been in the dark and expose it to light. It feels shameful and vulnerable. They may have failures and challenges along the way as they recover and heal. Their need for constant love is critical. However, parents need to be aware that their love will always help but not be all that is needed.
In healing, you will need to channel some of that love you have for your child into finding the right resources to help. Your love is a foundation for what needs to happen, but if someone you love is entrapped, you will likely need to seek out professionals who can help your loved one and also help you.” ~ Joy D. Jones, ‘Protect, Respond & Heal’, Ensign, October 2019, p.23-27.
